Is it a whole different world?

Ok. I like to read Attack Laurel's blog - she is witty and intelligent, and sometimes writes interesting posts, and, of course, does some fabulous embroidery and costuming.

Sometimes what she writes about, and other blogs she links to, make me... confused?...uncomfortable? I'm not sure exactly, but it does make me wonder if I live in a totally different world to some other people.

I'm talking about rape, and the blogs out there that talk about this subject often. In some cases, almost exclusively, it seems. One such blog post talks about certain behavioural patterns that women are taught, and expected by society to follow. These include not raising your voice, not appearing to be emotional or distraught, not setting personal boundaries and dramatically enforcing them, not using your physical strength to enforce your personal boundaries, and others of a similar nature. This is the bit that I don't get. My life has taught me that many of these things are not only acceptable but expected. I have never been ostracised for being forceful to a man who's attention was unwanted. I have never had intercourse, whether social or sexual, with a man I couldn't stand, simply because I was too worried about what people would say if I turned him down. I was once told that I had "a head like a bull terrier" by a man that I turned down - I was extremely rude to him, on very little provocation - and no-one told me that I was being harsh or unfair. I have generally found that telling someone that I'm sorry, but I'm really not interested, is usually sufficient to stop further attention. I have never found myself screaming GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME to someone at the bus stop, simply for striking up a conversation that I wasn't interested in. Generally speaking, I will use this approach as a last resort, rather than a first one. I'm not surprised that a woman using the screaming approach will be labled as a crazy bitch, and that no-one will come to her aid. I'm pretty sure that quite a lot of people will come to the aid of a woman who has made her disinterest known in a polite and forceful manner, and yet is still experiencing harrassment.

What this has made me wonder is whether I live in a world completely removed from the one lived in by the women in these blogs. Was my upbringing so different that the thought of not expressing myself is completely alien? Are most of the men I have ever met been odd in that they generally will back down after a polite refusal? Do I have a lot of weird friends who are also quite good at not being doormats? Or is it simply that Australian culture is so completely different to American, and that gender caste just doesn't seem to be that much of an issue here?

I'm not trying to say that women shouldn't use forcefullness or even violence to defend themselves should they see fit. I am pretty uncomfortable with women being given the advice that they should react in this manner immediately. Politeness is king. Not only will your point be made without injuring the pride of your potential harrasser, (and therefore not leaving yourself open to abusive retaliation) but you are far more likely to be taken seriously. There is little to no reason to resort to rudeness or hysteria straight up - but absolutely every reason to resort to them in the face of continued unwanted attention.

I will never argue with a woman's right to campaign against sexual violence, particularly if she has been a victim of that violence - I may question her methods, but never her motives. No woman ever deserves to be raped. Ever. I think that women should take an active role in preventing violence against themselves. Always remain in the company of trusted friends when out on the town, moderate your intake of alcohol (I do feel a bit like the pot calling the kettle black here, but even at my drunkest, I could always articulate what I did or didn't want) and don't dress like a slapper. Now, in case this sentiment were to be read by more that the 3 people who visit this blog, I would like to defend this statement. I'm sure that there are many out there who will cry "A woman should be able to wear whatever she wants! Wearing a miniskirt should not be an invitation to rape!" and they would be quite correct. Neither should my leaving my front door unlocked be an invitation to be robbed. But if I robbed, and told you that I had left the front door unlocked, you would think "well, what did you expect?", wouldn't you? Human beings have been doing unspeakable things to each other for time out of mind. They probably always will. Protecting yourself by not putting yourself in harm's way only makes sense, surely.

I hope that the blogs that talk about rape provide help and comfort to those who have been hurt, and open the eyes and minds of their readers.

A woman I once knew who was pack raped when in her teens once told me that she once had an unusual opportunity to face one of her attackers. She actually bumped into him in her home town, and had a coffee with him. He apologised profusely for what he had done to her, and she said that his remorse was quite genuine. He told her that he had changed his life around, got out of the gang, and was now married with a little one on the way. She told him that she forgave him, that she wished him and his family well, and that she fervently hoped that the baby would be a girl. "I hope you worry every day of your life, that what happened to me might happen to her" she told him. Revenge indeed.

5 comments:

GB said...

I have too much to say about this. go visit my blog for more (when I get the chance to update that is...)

Krin said...

"Or is it simply that Australian culture is so completely different to American, and that gender caste just doesn't seem to be that much of an issue here?"

Yes. It was the one thing that I really noticed when in the States, hanging out with Americans, that their sense of gender is much more pronounced and defined than ours is. I'm finding that this is also true in England. However, American difference made me vaguely, disturbingly uncomfortable, I could feel myself starting to be put into a box labelled "poor woman needs to be protected and can't do certain things".

Here it's just something to be aware of, genders don't tend to mix as easily in social settings. There was a column in the paper the other day from a young man stating that as soon as he found out a girl in a bar had a boyfriend he didn't want to talk to her anymore, it was as interesting as talking to his boss, or his banker. I spluttered, as he just placed us all into a specific basket labelled "uninteresting unless I can get some". But, even so, much less disturbing than the American attitude, which was so all-pervading you couldn't even find a way to challenge it, and I tried to.

It is one of the most interesting thing about Australians, that women and men are equal but there are acknowledged differences. A friend of mine who worked in Paris has this commented to him while he worked there, that "all Austrlian women seem to be like men", we talked about this and reflected that it was simply a factor of our cultural acceptance of genders as equally competent and interesting and independent. Men and women are mates, but that doesn't mean that the women are like men.

GB said...

OK, I've updated now :)

To further K's discussion, there is a certain amount of power a woman can wield in a society where she 'needs to be protected and can't do certain things'. The problem there though is that she has to have the presence of mind to actually wield that power and not a lot of women can or do. The line from my Big Fat Greek Wedding "The man is the head, but the woman is the neck. And she can turn the head any way she wants," is a good example of that and is so often the case in a 'traditional' relationship.

The fact that women here appear to be treated equally with men may have more to do with how young we are as a settled country than anything else. We were founded on the backs of the working classes and women in the working class always had to work beside their men and, especially if they didn't have a man, to work for themselves. Maybe that has taught us a level of equality not matched anywhere else save NZ, which is just as new and shiny as we are.

Hunydd said...

Well there you go. Never having been to 'merica, I really couldn't tell whether there was a major cultural difference. Apparently so. This was the thing that really made my brain hurt - I couldn't fathom such old fashioned values being thrust upon half the population. It's completely alien to my way of life to NOT speak up for myself. I didn't notice it too much in the UK, but then I did spend a lot more time in the company of expats, rather than native Englishmen.

spyder said...

utterly agree with the US thing. American men are different. When I visited i had never before felt like such a piece of meat.
Oh, ok, I had, but that was when I was in a meat market night club as a teenager.Fair enough.
In the States it was all the time in all situations. Men would comment as you walked past them in the street or in a restaurant or at the Walmart. Something Aussie blokes just don't do unless they're in a pack on a work site.
I felt really wierd and occasionally threatened and if I had to put up with it everyday, I probably would think like Attack laurel and her ilk.
It really is a different culture here and even if Aussie blokes are thinking exactly the same thing, at least they've been adequately supressed not express it.
And like wise most girls I know will just tell a bloke to fuck off if he's behaving like a twonk.